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Chapter One

Pete R. stared at his flabby body in the mirror. Why couldn't he be good looking like Sir Battlescarred? Or at least look hot in a swimsuit like Patch?

God, what was he saying? He belonged to Sir!

Staring at his round naked body, he decided he should work out. Maybe get as thin and muscular as Sir, with those thick arms and that sexy hairstyle... Pete R. stumbled a little while putting on his pants just thinking about him.

Pete R. made his way down to the place where Sir was always lifting weights. The place Prairie was always teaching Trouble to correctly lasso something. That one fitness place.

Harmony and Toffee were singing along with the shitty One Direction song that Trinket and Squirt were (badly) dancing to. Harmony was trying to proove she sang better than One Direction, and Toffee was just singing along because she's a fatass mothafuckin queerbag.

Pete R. walked over to a fifty pound weight and tried lifting it up. It stayed firmly put on the ground. He heaved and heaved until he fell over.

"Hey fucktard, having a problem?" Marina laughed, floating on her back in the small pool on the west side of the gymnasium. What a sailor mouth. Pete R. thought she was wearing some arm floaties of Matey's.

Pete R. chucked the foam ball that Tiny and Matey were playing with at Marina, but missed. Tiny and Matey laughed hysterically.

Pete R. tried ignoring them and tried his hands at a ten pound weight instead. He could lift them, and walked all around the gymnasium doing such. It annoyed everyone, but Pete R. didn't notice. Sir was getting up to get a sip of Gatorade, and Pete R. couldn't help but stare at his plump ass while he walked. It was just a natural instinct... Almost like breathing or blinking or something.

Perhaps it would be more impressive if he lifted the twenty pound weights!! So Pete R. waltzed around the gym with those for a while before trying a thirty pound weight. He only carried one, and lifted it with both hands. You have to start somewhere.

When Pete R. passed by Sir, he held up an arm and tried flexing the muscles he didn't have. The weight in Pete R's other hand grew too heavy for him, and he dropped it on his foot with a soft bang.

Pete R. screamed like a girl and hopped backwards on one foot, clutching his other foot with agony. Not looking out for where he was hopping to, Pete R. stumbled backwards into the pool Marina was floating in.

"Hey! What the hell is wrong with you, don't you watch where you're going?!" she cried.

Pete R. struggled for air underwater, coming to the horrifying realization that he couldn't swim. He had absolutely no idea how to swim.

"Is he drowning?" Sir called, seeing the whole thing.

"Yes! Yes I am drowning!" Pete R. exclaimed, exaggerating his movements greatly. Though you couldn't really hear what he said, as the water was muffling most of it.

This was it. Sir Battlescarred would save Pete R. Canfly from drowning and give him mouth-to-mouth recessitation. This was the moment he had been waiting for.

"Not Peter!!" a throaty voice wailed.

Thumping over to the pool was none other than Toffee Cocoa Cuddles, weighing about 570 pounds. She constantly ate chocolates and ice cream, ever since she found out Ace Fender Bender was cheating on her with fourteen other people. Toffee's current infatuations were One Direction and Pete R. Canfly.

Toffee grabbed Pete R. around the neck and yanked him out of the water. She slapped him down on the ground like a wet fish and began giving him her form of "CPR" which was just making out with him. She tried French kissing him, but Pete R. pulled his tongue as far back from hers as it would go.

Chest heaving, Pete R. fought for breath. He had water up his nose and couldn't breathe worth a damn with Toffee kissing him.

"Stop that, you're killing him," Sir sighed, pulling her away. Pete R. was impressed; Sir must have been very strong if he could move Toffee away from him.

Sir whammed his fist down on Pete R's chest several times and water pumped out from his mouth. Pete R. began to grow excited at the possibility of getting mouth-to-mouth from him.

"There. That's how you save someone from drowning. Not... Whatever the fuck that was," Sir snorted with a roll of his eyes.

Pete R. laid there, shaking and struggling to regain his breath and wondering whether or not he should give Sir a thank-you kiss.

Just as he decided to go for it, Prairie marched over.

"What the hell are you doin', Petey? Don't y'all know better than to be bumbling around like some mindless turnip?!" she yelled.

"What the fuck is she even saying?" wondered Pete R.

Instead of actually saying that and getting the largest ass-whooping of his life, Pete R. just stared up at Prairie, mystified.

"Get out of ma gym, you disgrace," Prairie spat.

Pete R. stayed put where he was lying, on the ground, with his arms crossed. He loved being this much of a badass, and hoped that Sir was noticing. Peter glanced over to see Sir feeling Suzette La Sweet up her leg and gnawing on her neck. It filled him with an uncontainable jealousy.

Prairie picked Pete R. up by his shirt collar and demanded, "Did you here what I just said?!"

Pete R. wasn't paying attention. He was too busy staring at the way Sir was now fondling Suzette's breasts as if they were two large bouncy balls. Pete R. wished Sir would fondle his own breasts.

Before he knew it, Prairie scooped Pete R. up and carried him bridal style out of the gym.

"And don't ever come back, y'hear?!" Prairie screamed. She slammed the gym doors shut before he could reply.

And at that moment Pete R. just lost his only way to watch Sir work out. He decided to go back and wash all the Toffee Cocoa Cuddles germs out of his mouth.

~end of chapter one~

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